I am not sure there is a pain as deep as the one that cuts through your heart and soul, when your mother dies.
It doesn't matter the type of relationship you've had, how close or distant you may have ever been at any given time of your lives. The pain will always take a piece of your heart and soul and send it off with her when she goes.
I am a fairly reasonable human, and I am very empathetic. I have always felt horrible when I have had friends and even strangers tell me or post on social media that their mothers have passed. I've offered my condolences, and despite this, it is never the same as when you lose your own mother. I now know that it isn't until you've lost your own mother that you can truly empathise as you join the brother/sisterhood of being what feels like being orphaned.
I'm sure some of you are without both parents by the time your mother passes. While I lost my step-daddy in 2009, I still have my dad and I am thankful for him. But even having him, I feel like I've been left alone in the world to fend for myself. I've been robbed of telling my mother a funny story about something that happened today, the phone call I want to make because Scott is driving me crazy and I need her to tell me "now Traci, be nice to him, he's a good man and while he drives you crazy, he IS a man.", robbed of her beets at the next Christmas dinner, never hearing her tell me to "be careful" which I couldn't stand her telling every five-minutes in life, but I have already missed like crazy now that she's gone. Just everything that you never imagined could be missed and everything you already did. And please, don't tell me that she is still with me and that I will hear her telling me all of those things, because as right as you are, and as kind as you are being to me, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! I WANT HER! NOT the memory of her. Not the words I still hear in my head. Not feeling like she is with me. HER.
While we do everything in our power to navigate the grief like blogging, keeping busy, or just doing whatever in the heck we need to do, grief is always stalking you like a feral animal. It is diurnal. It is nocturnal. It is always there to attack and consume as much of you as possible when you least expect it. And most of all, grief sucks. it just sucks and we cannot avoid it.
Someone who knew my mom went through this a year ago and suggested a grief counseling group. I accidentally clicked the wrong company, (which I think was the Universe telling me this was the best one for me), and I signed up.
VITAS Healthcare is very well-known, and has this free online class. Like many organizations, this was an in-person class that went online during the pandemic. Because they had such a great response, they kept an online group and I am very thankful, because it is the only thing I feel is helping me right now.
I am not sure when the next ones start, but you can check out their website and see which one is best for you.
I have kind of hit a wall with the writing, so I will break for now and add to it later.
But I hope that if you are missing someone right now, and you need a little something more, that the VITAS Healthcare group will benefit you and help you process your grief.
Much Love,
Traci
If you would like to learn more about my mama, feel free to visit her obituary by clicking her photo.
